Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Advice You Didn't Ask For

If I was an old sage, cloaked in white robes and doling out advice while sitting in the lotus position under a Bodhi tree, here are some of the things I would say:

• When purchasing a vehicle, strip yourself of all emotion. Buy something small, fuel efficient and reliable. Don’t buy a new car. Purchase a gently used vehicle, preferably a brand with a proven track record, like a Honda or Toyota.

• If possible, purchase a home of your own. You don’t need a castle, just something modest. Be mindful of current and future developments and avoid high traffic areas and homes located adjacent to rivers, oceans and steep slopes.

• DO NOT purchase white carpets or white furniture if you want them to stay that color.

• With the exception of cherry tomatoes, DO NOT purchase tomatoes from the produce section of a supermarket. They taste terrible about 99 percent of the time. If you need large tomatoes, grow your own or purchase them at a farmer’s market. If you’re cooking with tomatoes, and fresh tomatoes are unavailable, purchase canned tomatoes. Canned tomatoes are good. Do not be deceived by the metal container.

• When you have numerous items you need to carry from Point A to Point B, considering making two trips instead of one. (This advice came from one of my columnists and not me. But, after she gave this advice, I’ve followed it often.)

• Mow your lawn often. Delaying this task will result in doubling, tripling or quadrupling the work involved in maintaining a respectable lawn. (Note: I wish I would have followed this advice. Today I mowed the lawn. It took three times as long as it should have due to the height of the grass.)

• If you live in a cold place, make sure you wear a warm hat and have shoes to maintain warm, dry feet. If your head is warm and your feet are warm, all the clothing in between is almost unnecessary.

• When following the previous advice, do NOT misinterpret it to mean you can walk around naked. Always wear pants, be they short or long. This is even more important if you work around machinery.

• Women should NOT wear those low-riding hip-hugger pants unless they have unusually trim and shapely lower torsos and hips which resemble those of Super Models. Those pants are designed for a tiny fragment of the population. They look bad on most women, even very attractive ones. Even Paris Hilton looks like a plumber in those pants.

• Men should NEVER wear baseball caps backwards, unless they’re catchers. The brim points forward – not backwards, not sideways. If the brim gets in your way, you can bend it up like Huntz Hall in the Bowery Boys. No exceptions.

• NEVER act like an asshole or be overly fussy with a waiter or waitress BEFORE you get your food. If you act like a jerk (even if your position is justified) before you get your food, there’s a high likelihood that a low-wage earner will be polite but extract his or her revenge by either depositing a large, flem-laden luggie in your food or will rub your bread sticks on their private parts. You may feel big and important, but they have the upper hand, even when you think you got your way.

• This advice is free, and worth it too.


Blogger Jennifer Savage said...

Those are all excellent, Jack.

And I say that as a former waitress.

7:01 PM  

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