IAADD

I’m not a doctor, nor have I taken any college-level psychology classes.

But I am convinced that I suffer from a form of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Not regular AADD, but something which I call Intermittent Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. That’s IAADD.

Unlike sufferers of AADD, I can spend long hours concentrating on detail-oriented tasks. But there are certain situations that I can’t handle. That’s when the IAADD kicks in.

For example, the other day I was standing in line at Staples. There were two checkout counters. I waited. And waited. And waited. About five minutes went by and I realized that neither line was moving. The clerks were punching buttons and apparently having problems ringing up the purchases. No progress was being made and there were several people in line ahead of me.

This is when the Intermittent Adult Attention Deficit Disorder began. I squirmed and felt miserable. I went from being a happy-go-lucky guy to a man in deep despair. I looked ahead and saw the clerk on the phone yapping about how she needed to find a “P.O. number” for the man before her. In the other line, the clerk kept pushing buttons, but nothing seemed to be happening.

The clock ticked away. I tried to pass the time by reading the packaging on the items I was about to purchase, but I quickly ran out of reading material. (I was also cranky because the cheapo printer I was purchasing didn’t come with a printer cable, which meant I had to spend another $25 for a USB cable. What a rip off!)

I looked up and the lines were still not moving. This is when I had a vision of my head exploding – something which seemed entirely plausible at that moment.

I was already highly agitated. The next step I envisioned was a sudden rise in blood pressure, an uncontrolled outburst of profanity, followed by a sudden “popping” sound, at which point my head would literally explode, covering all those around me with bits of tissue, blood and brain matter.

It was imminent. I considered just dropping my items and walking out of the store, but I really needed what I was about to purchase. There was a good chance I would be walking out of Staples without a head.

Relief came in the form of progress. The line moved and I was suddenly one customer away from making my purchase. I was a happy camper and the IAADD subsided.

But when the clerk scanned a packet of colored Sharpies, it didn’t show up on the computer. Time for a price check! The veins in my head were throbbing and a head explosion seemed possible again. At least the clerks at Staples were wearing red shirts. The blood wouldn’t be as noticeable.

Another clerk waddled up to the counter, slowly grabbed the Sharpies and disappeared into the labyrinth.

We exchanged awkward glances and I even forced a fake smile, but I was miserable. I felt like a Russian grandmother halfway through a Moscow bread line.

Eventually I made my purchase and was fully recovered by the time I was in the parking lot.

But, this malady is getting worse. Long lines are unbearable. Long meetings are not much better. If I ever have to go to the DMV for any reason, I may have to visit a doctor ahead of time and see if I can get a short-term Valium prescription, or maybe I’ll just walk in with a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor in a paper sack.